Wanting to do well is healthy. Perfectionism is different: it is the belief that anything less than flawless is failure, usually with harsh self-criticism.
Types Psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett describe three forms: - Self-oriented: demanding perfection of yourself. - Other-oriented: demanding perfection of others. - Socially prescribed: believing that others demand perfection of you.
Researchers also separate perfectionistic strivings (high personal standards) from perfectionistic concerns (fear of mistakes, worry about others' judgement). The concerns are more strongly linked to anxiety and depression.
Where it comes from It is not caused by one thing. Temperament, a critical or high-pressure environment, praise only for achievement, social media comparison and cultural expectations may all play a part. A meta-analysis (Curran and Hill, 2019) found that perfectionism, especially the socially prescribed kind, has risen among young people in several countries since the 1980s, which the authors link to pressure and competition. Perfectionism is not simply inborn or fixed; it can change.
Signs - Avoiding or delaying tasks for fear of getting them wrong. - Spending hours redoing work. - Tears or anger over small mistakes. - All-or-nothing thinking ("If I'm not top, I've failed"). - Difficulty accepting praise. - Headaches, stomach aches or sleep trouble around tests.
Easing it For children, with adult help: 1. Praise effort and learning, not only results. 2. Talk about your own mistakes and what you learned. 3. Set time limits on tasks, and stop when time is up. 4. Practise "good enough". Hand in a piece that is 90 per cent perfect on purpose. 5. Use kind self-talk: "What would I say to a friend?" 6. Break big goals into small ones. 7. Keep other things in life: friends, play, rest. See physical activity. 8. Think about what you value beyond achievement.
For adults, the same approaches apply, along with attention to work habits and rest; see work-life balance.