Psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer introduced the term "emotional intelligence" in 1990, as the ability to perceive, understand and manage emotions in oneself and others. The idea became popular through writer Daniel Goleman. Researchers debate how best to measure it, but the underlying skills are widely taught in schools as social and emotional learning.
The skills
- Recognising feelings in yourself and others (facial expressions, tone, body signals).
- Understanding what causes them and what they might lead to.
- Expressing them in words and in ways that are appropriate.
- Managing them: calming down, waiting, coping with disappointment.
- Empathy, or taking account of how others feel.
- Using feelings in decisions and relationships.
CASEL's framework groups these into self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills and responsible decision-making.
How to nurture them
- Name feelings. "You look disappointed." Even toddlers benefit.
- Accept the feeling, limit the behaviour. "You're angry, and you can't hit." Feelings are not wrong; some actions are.
- Listen first. Get down to their level and wait before offering solutions.
- Model it. Say how you feel and how you handle it: "I'm frustrated, so I'm going to take a breath."
- Read and play. Use picture books, puppets and pretend play to talk about feelings.
- Teach calming tools: deep breaths, counting, drawing, a quiet space.
- Solve problems together: "What could we do next time?"
- Respond to bids for connection. Harvard's "serve and return" shows how back-and-forth exchanges build development.
What causes difficulty
Some children find emotions harder to read or manage: autism, ADHD, language difficulties, anxiety, and experiences of trauma can all play a part. Stress and tiredness make everyone less skilled. Low emotional skills are not a character flaw. See autism and adverse childhood experiences.
Signs of strong emotional skills
A child who can say how they feel, can calm down in time, shows concern for others, can wait and take turns, and can recover from disappointment is building them. Progress is gradual and uneven.
Nurturing yourself
Adults cope better when they look after their own wellbeing; see work-life balance and the HALT check-in. If a child seems overwhelmed by feelings much of the time, talk to your GP or school; the NHS has advice on children's mental health.
Sources and further reading
